ASL - Oral Marriage Needs Help
Sunday December 31, 2006
An About visitor wrote:
My deaf husband does not use his voice and uses ASL. I am deaf too, but can talk and sign. We have been married a couple of years, but lately my husband is refusing to go with me to my family's gatherings . He doesn't want to go because no one in my family signs. I feel lonely and left out when he does not come with me. What can I do?
My deaf husband does not use his voice and uses ASL. I am deaf too, but can talk and sign. We have been married a couple of years, but lately my husband is refusing to go with me to my family's gatherings . He doesn't want to go because no one in my family signs. I feel lonely and left out when he does not come with me. What can I do?
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The only suggestions I was able to offer were a) Encourage family members to at least learn the sign alphabet b) Encourage family members to communicate with her husband by writing back and forth. Does anyone have any better ideas? Have you been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you deal with it?
Related article:
Growing Up Deaf - Family Holidays (about being a deaf child at family gatherings. The situation above is somewhat similar, but involves an adult instead of a child)
Comments
Mark Drolsbaugh’s suggestion is for the family to hire an interpreter.
He wrote about this familiar situtation in his book, Anything But Silent, pp. 158-159.
My husband isn’t deaf but never wants to go to public gatherings because he is hard of hearing. I think there is a tendency in some people to avoid socializing in groups. He says it is because of his hearing. When too many people are talking at once or there is background noise he can’t hear people very well. I wish he wanted to learn sign. I took two semesters of ASL but don’t have much opportunity to use it. Anyway I know how frustrating it can be to have a husband that doesn’t like to socialize. He is only happy visiting with people one-on-one. I end up going to things by myself a lot or invite a friend. Fortunately I have a friend that likes to do similar things and her husband doesn’t like to go either. He has only visited my family once, who are two states away while we go to his parents every year, which is half way around the world. I’m hoping that some day he will go with me again to my home town. He is only comfortable in certain situations and avoids all others. I have just had to get to the point where I accept it and do the things that I want to without him and try and find things we can do together. It makes me feel single, with a ghost of a husband but I’ve just gotten used to it. We’ve been married almost 20 years.
I was in the exact same situation for over 20 years before my wife and I separated. I hated to go to her family affairs (my own family’s, too) because their interaction with me was so superficial. Hello and goodbye and not much of anything else.
Jamie, you probably felt you had to offer this person some kind of hope, but let’s face it. The family is not going to learn to sign, not even fingerspelling, and it’s doubtful that they’ll want to write notes for very long. And they’re not going to hire an interpreter either. Sorry to sound so negative but it’s pretty much hopeless and completely understandable why the husband doesn’t want to go.
The wife feels “lonely and left out” when the husband doesn’t go? Well, that’s exactly how he feels when he DOES go!
P.S. … I wrote about this topic for Silent News — “A Death, and a Deaf, in the Family” — and it’s reprinted in my new book, “A Sorry Stick of a Man, Indeed.” Please click my link if you’d like to learn more about the book.
Do you know how ridiculous it is for family members of a Deaf person not to know any ASL? That shows disrespect and projects a message that a Deaf person doesn’t matter and you don’t seem to realize that.
I totally agree that its ridiculous for members of a deaf person to not know ASL, but I am a living witness that there are many many families that don’t know ASL. My sister has a daughter that is 16 now and I am the only one in our family that know ASL. I have 2 daughters and I am making sure that they know how to communicate with their cousin. I feel that it is very impotant for my neice to at least have a few cousins that she can communicate with.
I have always been deaf, and I grew up in a hearing family. I am very lucky to have a mother who learned signs before I did. Whenever we had a family gathering my mother had to be in charge of it. Needless to say, I was lonely, but I never let it overtake my life. I was a loner and still am. I had something to do such as reading and writing. I took some crocheting projects with me in case I got left out of the conversation.
Then I got married to a hearing man who was learning signs from me, and he has always made sure that I always know what is going on, and sometimes it can get too busy, and he gets to where he can’t tell me everything. I don’t mind it at all as I like to keep busy too. I agree with Tom Willard! Not everybody will learn signs or will take time to write back and forth. This world can be a cruel place, but still I don’t blame the husband who would not go to the social circles.
I have been in this situation, I am life long severe/profound hoh, I have been losing what hearing I have and have very little left. I have a friend who is an interpreter, and my family was comfortable with either remembering to face me or with me reading or crocheting at family gatherings. My hearing husbands family is another story, they can’t be bothered even to face me for lip reading and unless it is one or two on one I don’t go. He supports me in this. I avoid large groups, mostly always have as I am really really tired of not knowing what the heck is going on and sitting there like a wart on a pickle while others are laughing like crazy over some jokes. When my mother was alive she would quickly repeat things to me and my hoh father so we kept up. I see lots of parents of deaf children who never learn to sign, so expecting families to sign, well, while they should they won’t. If you have an interpreter friend to take along it is wonderful, but if not, keep it to one on one or forget going. I often feel I can write the book on feeling lonely.
http://www.scommonline.com/
This machine is like 2 laptop computers that (1)the hearing person uses and (2)deaf/Deaf/HOH person uses. I have one on order. It is not cumbersome, as they snap together for travel and weigh about 2lbs. Font can be changed for low vison, back screen can be white or black, can both type at same time.
It was developed by a Deaf man and his hearing father.
The common problem in all these situations is the expectation that its the DEAF or HARD OF HEARING person’s problem. No one in the family seems to be willing to accept responsibility for communicating with the “outsider” who doesn’t hear as well as them.
Its a lot easier for the family (including the spouse, might I add) to learn sign language (if not ASL) than it is for the Deaf person to “learn” to hear!! When we put artificial barriers in the way, and tell the Deaf person, in effect, “You’ve gotta learn to lipread, socialize, bring an interpreter, etc,” we are denying the deafness and BLAMING the person who can’t hear as well..
Its not difficult to learn basic signs, if for no other reason than to help the person feel INCLUDED and VALUED as a member of the family.
As a coda our family has been in this situation for many years and naturally my parents are sometimes frustrated or left to feel like outcasts and we discovered the best solution is to teach the whole family sign language. You ask how that is possible since many do not express the willingness to learn, answer is simple. During the evening we make a point of plying charades with one difference ASL is permitted.Now the shoe is on the other foot and the interest is peeked and the opportunity for a teaching moment is very persuasive when it becomes competitive. Try it some time it may work for your family as well.