You Have to Be Deaf to Understand: Never Mind
Wednesday October 24, 2007
One look at the title and you know what this is about. Just about every deaf or hard of hearing person has been told this at one time or another. How did you deal with it? This is the first in a new series at About Deafness about what it is like to be deaf, or what it is like to be the parent of a deaf child, or the hearing spouse of a deaf person.
Comments
You have no idea, unless you are me.
That’s how I’ve felt all too often, as my hearing loss has progressed over the years.
Talking to my spouse, (or should I say that he’s my ex-spouse now) or a boss, a clerk in a store, you name it.
I’m a college educated woman~~~I obtained a bachelor’s degree, have been told I am very bright. And yet I have had so much trouble getting and then keeping a job~~~having and then keeping relationships.
Many of the offices I’ve worked in and many of the co-workers and bosses I’ve dealt with have reacted to me as if they either think I’m too dumb to grasp the work, or that I am lying or making excuses in order to get out of work. and yes, it’s “never mind” too many times to ever begin to count.
Because I am not completely deaf and CAN hear parts of sentences, that is why they think I’m lying, making excuses to get out of work. Of all the things I’ve dealt with because of my hearing loss, “never mind” hurts, yes~~~but not even as much as labeling me a liar or lazy~~~or even stupid.
Now that I am divorced I find that I’ve shut myself off from people. I don’t try to make new friends because I’m really just too tired of seeing that “look”. So I have two good friends and my sons. I have stopped reaching out to other people in any capacity. I’m just tired of dealing with “never mind” for all these years.
One of my biggest problems in hearing “never mind” is that I know if it’s coming from a boss or supervisor, my days with that company are very well numbered. That of course hurts my chances at the next job I try to get.
And yes I know that it is against the law to discriminate because of a disability, but in the real world, try telling a company representative in an interview, and see if you get hired. Sure you will~~~not.
And if you can’t find work and give up and try to get disability? You aren’t classified as disabled. Wrap that around your head a bit.
I really just don’t want to hear “never mind” anymore.
I’m deaf. The last time someone told me never mind I said “no, it is not ‘never mind’!” and demanded to know what had been said. LOL! I wasn’t being nosey. I was at a table with my family and everyone was laughing. I’m not retarded. I just can’t hear.
Tena, you sound so hurt and discouraged.
I have a hearing loss in the low tones. Crowded, noisy areas are becoming more difficul to hear in. So much work. I admit, half the time I take the risk of letting parts of conversations just slide, or I fake it. However, I have a bright mind too and I feel that I have something important to contribute to society. I am a 47 year old working, wife, mother and gramma.
You sound articulate and so passionate. Like you want the world to be different. You sound like you’re a very capable person having had different jobs. Maybe you haven’t found the right fit in a job… keep on trying, it would be a waste of a bright mind not to….. good luck…
apr…
Oh my GOSH! I HATE those phrases. I will tell you later. Later NEVER comes! I have heard this all my life, from friends and family or co workers. I hate “nevermind”, I’ll tell you later or Oh, it wasn’t important. Then if later does come, what ever they were laughing about so hard, makes absolutely NO sense because that comedic moment has passed. I have been hard of hearing just about all my life. I’ve worn a hearing aid since I was about 4 or 5. I wear them in both ears now. I have gotten to the point when I hear “tell you later” or one of those at home, I get really mad.
I see those words on people’s lips all the time and each time my reaction is the same. It’s like a giant fist is squeezing the life out of my heart. Sometimes I have the strength to say “No! I want to know now!” But usually I just let it slide, not wanting to cause a disruption in the conversation, and the looks that come with it. I do my best to avoid any situation where there’s more than one person talking, like parties or dinners, because that’s where I’m most lost, can’t keep up with reading everyone’s lips all at the same time. So how do I deal with it? Mostly I stay home. Avoidance works.
Many times I’ve been through that and I usually reply either ‘I guess it realy isn’t important then’ or ‘If you want anything done about that, you are just going to have to tell me what it is you want’. I had mild hearing loss as a child and never got an HA until I was 30. I worked at a very large multi-state company with a union and NEVER had a bit of discrimination. But since then, I have encountered it more and more. In many cases it has been that they had an accent and would talk fast or loud, or simply that they would talk to me in a much softer voice than they did customers or other employees.
Tena your statement sounds very much like me. Please log onto http://www.hearingloss.org and find out you are not alone with your hearing loss.
Soundless world is too much painfull. I see people dance with rythem .laughing to hear wishper but I just see, word doest touch my heart I have feeling I have thought but can not throught to air to spread for all. Although I am confident I can win, I will win all sorrow by my beautiful thoughta & emotion \, by my strong will force………
I’m hard of hearing and mentally ill. The last time I was on the mental ward there was a Deaf woman who they kept forgetting to get an interpreter for. So remembering what little sign I *do* know, I would translate things for her so she didn’t feel as left out. Sometimes this lead to hilarious misinterpretations, but ultimately it ended with her feeling more at ease.
Thank you all! You have opened my eyes to something I didn’t realize I was doing!
I am soooo sorry! We hearing persons don’t mean to be unkind, it is something we say to everyone hearing or otherwise when they don’t get it.
From now in I am going to monitor myself and others with me.
Take care and be strong!
Tena, I think you are feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like a victim. Some hearing people can be stupid. They are not even thinking about how it would be if they could not hear. Their wee pee brains can’t process that information. At work, why would you let people affect you? Tell them to their faces that look, you’re deaf and that means you can’t hear all that they say, especially if they talk when you are not looking at them. Let them know that they annoy you with the never mind. If they are being rude, tell them.
Dear Tena, I read what you said. Sounds like you let the circumstances overcome you instead of you overcoming the circumstances. Years ago when I was younger, many people did say “never mind” and it did bother me. I don’t like being left out of a conversation where people were laughing about a joke or something and they won’t repeat it or try enough until I understood what they said. Nowadays if someone says that, I ask them to repeat what they said until I got it. I am determined! And it also helps other people understand how to talk to me as well. The devil is a liar and he wants you to be isolated. God is about love and wants you to be surrounded with loving people. If people are not loving towards you by taking the time to repeat what was missed or misunderstood, then it’s their loss. I am sure you are an excellent employee but don’t let circumstances rule your life. Everyone, whether hearing or not, are in charge of their own lives. Everyone has things to get through and endure. So, Tena, I encourage you to take a stand for yourself and continue to educate people… and don’t give up! Everyone has to educate one another no matter what it is, just like learning each other’s personalities, habits and quirks. Communication is a continual thing everywhere we go, i.e. going to restaurants and ordering a meal… The Lord wants you to prosper and to prosper, you must persevere! God Bless!
It’s always the same at Thanksgiving time. Helping and cooking with family members in the kitchen then at the same time trying to understand what everybody was talking and laughing about then you ask a question and they’re too busy to answer. Sitting at a large table and trying to understand what everybody was talking and laughing about. Then you ask someone what they say or what’s so funny and all the answer you get is “Never mind” and “Oh it’s nothing”. Everything people say or laugh about IS important to us hard of hearing and deaf people. We are part of the family and part of friendship whoever we are with. We all have the same hearts and feelings.
Hello… I am a mom of a 9 year old hh daughter. I see both sides of what you are having a problem with. Believe me my heart breaks when a ignorant person treats our daughter with anything but respect. I also have a hard time with the “be slower and nicer” approach as well. I just wanted you to know, all people are treated with a “wait” or “I will tell you later” if the person speaking is in a hurry or bad mood. It isn’t always they have no interest in explaining it to you. You could be anyone dhh or not. Please go out and try again with people. We all have our problems with them, but as a kind compassionate person, you owe it to yourself to be happy. In the mist of all the “others” who are not and find themselves cruel to you.Laugh at them!
I,ve been serious HOH for 72 years. I.ve beeen kicked out of school, forced into the street with no home, no income, no money, no hope and just because I could not understand what people said. I’ve been dumped out by my parents, as a young teen ager, treated like trash by members of churches I attended, And had to work at jobs that were really difficult. Just to survive!
I have even been sent e mails by a grand daughter and a daughter that were totally ugly and they simply wrote me off as a hard, cold person and wanted nothing more to do with me. They just chose not to understand how difficult it is to be, “Serious”, HOH. I have had “good” people lie about me. A union even tried to kill me just to scare people in a company I worked for. I was just a dumb, dispensable, warm body!
But I am still alive and enjoying life. I have an excellent work ethic, love to read and “talk” to people. Yes, it has been lonely but I know and believe that in the end I only have to satsify my self. I also was considered deaf and dumb. But as a matter of fact I am conidered quite intellgent thanks to my love of learning new things!
I have a wonderful wife and a nice home. But I have worked hard for it. Life is hard for a lot of people. And you just have to determine that other people are not going to make your life. Actually, if you will, you can have a great life. It is up to you. I’m 73 and going for 100 at full speed! And I will make it or bust! SO can you. Choose carefully your associates. Have a good friend who is fighting the same battle. Some one who understands. And you will be OK!
just wanted to say that the last comment is your answer!! don’t give up and life will work out for you!! there are hearing people who will be more than willing to help you, most of them just need you to explain them your situation!
wish you the best!!!
One thing I’ve done is take those hearing people to a Deaf event, like silent games or something where no one speaks. If they ask what’s going on, I tell them “I’ll tell you later” or try to explain it in ASL say, “Nevermind” the same as they do to me. It’s an eye-opening experience for them.
I take an “educational” approach rather than an “I’m Deaf, you jerk” approach.
That’s my $0.02!
Hey JW, Great Idea!
I am from a family of Deaf/hoh, hearing and multi-lingual, so if someone is rude to us we just switch languages on them – like sign really fast in BSL when someone says “tell later” or “never mind” then they get it. Pretty Evil, eh? Grin.
It can be hard in the “real” world tho… there have been times in my life when I took myself out of a situation because I was tired of pretending to be patient when people wouldn’t look at me as they spoke or said “never mind”.
I feel lucky that I have a basically amused personality and can usually get over any anger quickly and go on.
HI, I am 59, been HOH all my life and now have very very little hearing left. I have gotten the nevermind comment many times. I asked a very wise phychologist how to handle it. He tols me that hearing people frequently talk just to fill up the air. He said lots of time if you ask them what they just said, they paid so little attention so they really don’t remember what was said, it was so trivial. He said if I still wanted to know and got the It wasn’t important, I should just say, maybe it wasn’t but I would likt to decide for myself, now please repeat what was said. That way I am polite and if the hearing person has to admit they cannot remember what was just said, well that is a hearing person for you. I remind the Deaf all the time, hearing people don’t listen!!
Not only that comment is downright oppressive, it made me furious when I used to ‘hear’ it (actually see it) and if it comes around these days which is QUITE RARE… I still would blow my top!
Thank God to spiritually conscious people and education approaches out there and people are becoming mindful, otherwise, watch out (since its HALLOWEEN) GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Why is it that people always make sure we hear their snide and hurtful remarks?I have been called lazy, snobby, cold, slow and a faker. I have been wearing aids since childhood but they aren’t magic. I acquired speech before gradually losing my hearing to chronic infection. I’ve been told that I “don’t talk funny like a deaf person.” People are hurtful and I have become very defensive. I am always anxious at work and worry all the time that I am missing something. I am quiet most of the time to avoid conversations I may or may not hear correctly. Like I said, people always make sure you “hear” their snide remarks.
I’m a44 yr old hoh, have worn hearing aids all my life. No the hearing world does not understand what it is like not being able to hear like everyone else. It is extremely hard in noisey places and crowds. It is so very hurtful when people do that to you or when you say what? they say huh? and think it’s funny and it’s not funny at all to me. I can’t help it that I can’t hear well and have done everytihng possible to help myself. It does tend to keep me out away from alot of people because it’s so nerve racking trying to consentrate to hear, so it’s easier just not to be around people, I know it’s a shame to feel that way but what do you do about it?
Never Mind,
To me and this is only my OP. You gotta do the walk and do the talk. I have found that most people are more than willing to accomdate……could this be because I’m a geezer at 56. Maybe……I can see the problems if you are younger. It’s sooooo wrong…no matter what age. I was ashamed for so many years. Now I’m outright belligerent. I can’t effing HEAR YOU!!!!!! And don’t be nasty to me…..I’ll get in your face. What if you have a disability that is visable????? Am I supposed to make fun of that? No I don’t think so. When people are polite to me ….I am too…and I have found that most are. But every once in awhile you get a jerk. Well, again stand up for your self. NEVER EVER ALLOW THEM TO MAKE LESS OF YOU. You are just as important. You my friends are human beings. I am going to paraphrase a saying so bear with me……
You’ll find constant contraidiction through out life….but it necessary for you to go forward. Look at it as a stream of water…..the water must cut through the obstacles in order to flow freely. Thus you form solid banks…The Spirit of fight belongs to the genius of life.
What I am trying to say is that no matter what you come up against.You never let YOU down. Don’t worry about WHAT others think…..They are not living your life. YOU ARE LIVING YOUR LIFE.BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE! If you look at history , you’ll find many many people who were so-called ODD. They had disabilities yet prevailed and went on to fame. Believe..in yourself……if you’re lucky maybe ya got family…..maybe a partner…..but if you don’t then reach inside to the that wonderful person you are and go forward…..FULL STEAM AHEAD!!!!!!
Never doubt what you can do….You want it bad enough…..IT’S YOURS!
NUFF SAID
I say “Amen” to Grandma Honey! I am 58 and have been wearing hearing aids all my life and have missed some of just about every conversation! God has given me so much to be thankful for that I don’t let rude people steal my joy!
I made a comment on this the other night, but I need to add. First off, it’s so nice to know that I am not the only one that gets “nevermind”. I find a lot of people doing the same things that I do, sort of. I try to avoid some social situations at work by sitting alone with a good book, just so I don’t have to talk to anyone in the noisy, echoing break room. I get so tired of saying “huh?” or “what?” all the time. Like I said, it’s good to know that I am not alone. I don’t have any problems really at work and I do have friends there as well (one girl I have the worst time talking to. She talks fast and has a deeper voice. I’ve asked her to talk slower..but..I end up back at the “huh’s? and “what’s”. She doesn’t get mad or give me the “nevermind” either.) She know’s some signs, not that I use ASL much.
The other thing that I found interesting, once when talking to my room mate, who is legally blind, she gets the “neverminds” and “tell you laters” too, when watching t.v. or movies when she misses the visual stuff. I am ashamed to admit that I have been one of those that has done it to her, but I try hard not too do it to her, and she said I don’t very often (whew..I would hate it if i did!).
I am a girl who was found deaf at the age of 2. I am now 14 year old and I have been wearing an implant in one ear and a hearing aid in the other since I was 5.
I get left out everyday and tired of this, “Never Mind” “Its nothing”
I hate this soo much and now I have a really hard time hearing. I used to be able to read lips very good but not very good no more.
When in conversation I look around cause I never gets to hear. Normally I look at there lips try sooo hard to hear, I ask my mom every time and say, “What did he/she say?”
Sometime my mom doesnt tell me. Sometime my dad doesnt either.
I just hate that!! I just want to be like them and now I hate being deaf. I just want to be a normal person. My fustration is really high now.
One of my neighbor, Tori- When I come over and rang the bell she always always says, “sorry i am leaving” “I have to go in 10 minutes” “I have to get ready” “I have 5 minutes”
That hurts soooo much to hear all that!! I tried to get ahold of someone else but they are busy or just wont respond!
I have 2 bestfriends and the bad news is they moved!!
I now have a therapy and its my 2nd time going so far. I just dont think its working at all!! I dont know how she is helping but really no she isnt!!
I am just soo sick of all of this! I am done!
Laine, I feel your pain. I’ve been there.
Probably the worst part of growing up hard of hearing is how, every single day, there are little incidents, little misunderstandings, little frustrations. Maybe you don’t catch some critical info and make a mistake, or you ask someone to repeat something and they get exasperated, or they’ll just be dismissive and say nevermind.
Each one of these situations is not, by itself, enough to justify a full-blown angry response, but every one stings. And getting stung several times a day encourages us to withdraw from people, even when we really don’t want to do that.
You know how sometimes people just try to make polite conversation, like the cashier at the grocery store, and maybe you don’t understand what they say and just nod, and the cashier’s face subtly changes, and everyone waiting in line looks at you, and you realize too late she asked you a question. And then everyone gives you that social grin of sympathy or rolls their eyes, and there you are, standing with your dignity flapping in the breeze.
I know, I know.
One of the best things about learning ASL and joining the deaf community was that it gave me a place to get away from that. Here was a community where I could understand everything, where I wasn’t left out, where I can and do have something to contribute.
I’ve seen too many hard of hearing people who have unconsciously adopted a sense of inferiority after countless frustrating encounters. Learning ASL is one way to take control, to replace frustration with understanding. I did it and all my life since I’ve been thankful I made that decision.
i am hearing. i am engaged to a woman who is hard of hearing. she is a wonderful woman but life with her is very difficult at times. when she hits the usual roadblocks that,a person with hearing loss, comes across, i am the first to fight for her. but she holds me personally responsible for what she goes through. I love her and learned to sign for her. i would do anything for her but she sometimes acts as if i am the one who made her deaf. if anyone has any advice,i am open to it. my e-mail is redwolfdegenerate@yahoo.com